“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
— Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
— Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
— William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
— Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
— Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
— Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
— Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
— Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.”
— George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
— Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
— Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
— John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
— Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
— Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
— Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
— Walter Kerr
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
— Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
— Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
— Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
— James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
— Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
— Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
— Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
— Mae West
Have you heard the one about the broom? Really? It’s sweeping the nation!
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
The vendor makes the hot dog, and the monk gives him a twenty, which he pockets. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asks for his change. The vendor looks at him and says, “Change must come from within.”
a magician was walking down the street. then he turned into a grocery store.
A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
What’s worse than a worm in your apple?
Who’s Soulja Boy’s best friend?
Have you heard the polaroid joke? It takes a minute to get.
Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It’s rated ARRRRRRRRRR!
Two atoms run into each other. The first says: “Oh no, I’ve lost my electron!” The second says: “Are you sure?” The first says: “I’m Positive!”
Have some of your own Best “Worst Jokes”? Add them then
If two collars had a race, how would it end? In a tie!
Why do pigs make good spies? They’re excellent at going in-hog-nito!
What did the snowman say to the other snowman? “Do you smell carrot?”
how do you stop a charging rhino?
take away his credit card
what did the bedspread say to the sheet?
“I got you covered”
i dunno if this one will work very well being read, but here goes:
What did the tree say to the math teacher? “Gee, I’ma tree!” (say it kinda fast. geometry. :|)